For too long Government has ignored the voice of the Northern Countryside - a traditional blend of rough vowels and shrill authority. Yum. If elected, I will campaign for more post offices, hunting, incest, clockwork radios, holiday lets, meadowlarks, big puddings, string belts, cow theology, drainage, plasma, rural visitor centres and electric fencing. Good boundaries make good neighbours, in my humble opinion. 

vote Beswick 

There is tremendous spiritual energy trapped in the North, much of it in the M62 'Corridor of Uncertainty'. Real folk want hypnosis on the National Health, to enable them to 'mentally freestyle...' I would channel my karma at neighbourhood level and hold regular Noise Therapy Surgeries, showing more of my tits and 'downstairs'. 

vote Heal 

I believe in the North. I was born and raised here and have never moved away. If elected, I will be a real character, working hard to promote the North as a vibrant place to live and work. If not elected, I won't bother.

vote Barmeal 

This country's most glorious moment was in the 8th Century, when the Mercian king Offa ruled all England (Rex Anglorum) from his palace in Tamworth. Interestingly, there were excellent diplomatic relations between this country and Arabia at the time! But I digress. Wessex and Anglia overthrew Mercia with a superior, quite snidey actually, army. Aren't we glad that General Election campaigns these days are less contingent on human slaughter! But I digress. Now we have to BRING BACK TAMWORTH AS THE CAPITAL OF ENGLAND. Housing is cheaper, it's more in the middle of the country and there are pills. But I digress.

vote Ounce 

The experiment of a multicultural North lies in ruins. It doesn't work because there will always be people who just don't want to fit in and get on with others. Ethnics have swamped our schools and dominated the charts for too long. You've tried the rest, now try the best. It is time to put the British Northern People first by having 'AAA' in front of our names in the phone book for a fucking start.

vote Licke

My aims are well known at the local shooting range. We need to claim back the streets with serious crossfire and show today's youngsters that older folk still know a thing or two about guns. I would tackle social disorder with a full clip, giving myself an erection as I pumped round after round into the twitching bodies of my teenage victims who are not laughing now.

vote Pipes