Bitchslapped by Alastair
Campbell on the eve of the Iraq War for faffing about on a quad bike
instead of amending intelligence reports.
At the height of the foot-and-mouth crisis invited Labour donors to
Cumbria to machine gun sheep from a Land Rover.
Recreated the nude wrestling scene from Women in Love with Martin
Amis, and won.
Dreams in high definition but with a 4:3 aspect ratio and set in
some sort of plasmic bakelite.
Favourite colour: faded, beigey fat fuck brown.
During a CND march he formed the original Levellers with two
crusties, a Communist, a banjo, a kazoo and some artwork.
Wears Opus Dei front-chafing pants during Holy Week.
Favourite book: own autobiography at proof stage, with libels still
in.
On last visit to Iraq had passport stolen by ungrateful fucking
Iraqi.
No longer makes eye contact with self in mirror.
Makes a cameo appearance in the latest Harry Potter film, as a
short-tempered pharmacist with a scaly back.
Every St George's Day, makes his wife wear her work wig in bed.
In 1972, paid £10 for a wrap of crushed aspirin.
Has forgotten how to ride a bike and fell off while on holiday,
grazing his arm.
When Labour leader John Smith died in the bath in 1994, he was in
the bathroom at the time.
Has been taught under hypnosis to see the world from a height of 11
ft.
Favourite beatboxing: Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Little Lady.
Alias in the House of Commons intranet chatroom: 'Saddam Buster'.
In 1964 was disturbed by his housemaster masturbating into a beret.
Favourite smell: Catholic church.
Told by Highland soothsayers in 1997 that he would sire a future
King of England - just days before Diana, Princess of Wales died in
a mysterious car crash.
Favourite toast: split panini, first thing in the morning.
Won friends at prep school by being able to do all the voices in
Deputy Dawg.
Let Peter Mandelson kiss him once, but kept his eyes open.
Has nicknamed his children 'Bart', 'Pissy', 'Squarehead' and
'Gilligan'.
Signs off bedtime prayers with 'cheers, yeah?'
His favourite slacks are red denim with a condom pocket and phone
sheath.
Blood group the same as Tony Hancock's.
Has a pirate chest in the attic with 'Scurvy swabs beware - this
belongs to Cap'n Blair, Lower VI' written on the front. Items
include some Rice Krispie Cake from Margaret Thatcher, one of
Virginia Bottomley's bras, and a five shilling postal order made out
to Ronnie Winslow.
Once made the Sugababes laugh by impersonating John Prescott as an
astronaut temporarily blinded by his own jowls.
Most Magical Moment: an Umbrian terrace at dusk, with a hard-on.
Is dreading the 2009 release from residential care of old
schoolfriend Paul Weaver, who may remember an incident involving a
pencil and someone's vagina.
Secretly thinks Tessa Jowell's as thick as she actually is.
Longest telephone conversation last year: with President Bush's dog,
'OJ'.
Favourite Simpsons episode: the one with the unplanned pregnancy, in
which self-sacrifice triumphs over pathos.
Has started cutting up his food into bits then eating it with a
fork.
Two pints and is giggling like a fucking girl.
Tried spitting once but only got as far as his chin.
In 1958, entertained relatives by singing Tommy Steele's Little
White Bull in his dressing gown.
Still sometimes smokes away from home.
Possessed by Holy Ghost when wearing shirt and tie but no jacket.
Volumises hair twice a week.
Never been on a bus.
Wears a 'pinny' when washing up on TV.
Voted Liberal Democrat in the local elections.
When giving his son a piggy-back, sees himself as a metaphor for
democracy.
Knows all the words to Messin' Round by Fleetwood Mac, and mimes the
lead guitar solos with his tongue out.
Remains unaware that mothers of young children are imprisoned for
non-payment of the BBC licence fee.
In 1986 arranged to meet Neil Kinnock in pub, then 'got flu'.
When he hears the word 'death', imagines himself alone on a disused
airfield, lifting the corner of a vast tarpaulin sheet.
