My compatriots, it has already been several days since I
resigned as President. I vowed then to keep you clasped
tightly to my man-breasts, that I might continue to
nourish you with my revolutionary thoughts, anecdotes
and brain teasers.
From now on I will be recording a four-hour speech here
every Sunday in the residents' lounge, for weekly
broadcast on state radio. My compatriots, do not think
that there will not be opportunities to go to the
toilet. There will, on the contrary, be many
opportunities to go to the toilet. We will go to the
toilet together. I, talking as I go to the toilet here.
You, as you listen to the radios in your toilets at
home.
Who has taken my biscuits? I left them right here on the
table, in 1959. Garibaldi, my favourite. I repeat, which
counter-revolutionary fucker among you has taken my
cocksucking biscuits?
Comrades, my body may be frailer than it was, 50 years
ago, when I first had the honour to lead this proud
nation, but my mind goes on and on like one of those
endless pisses in the middle of the night when your
prostate's still half asleep.
Of course the capitalist adventurers, the Yanqui
playboys, the effete psychiatric consultants tell us we
are isolated in the world. Isolated! Pah! This is the
propaganda of a brain that is sick with the festering
pus of the infection of the untreated wound of the
battle of ideas. There are those who say 'Fidel, your
friends are imaginary. Settle down, have a biscuit...' I
say this. My friends are not imaginary. If Senor
Dementia and Senor Alzheimer are imaginary, how is it
possible for them to stand shoulder to shoulder with me
in the day-room and continue this revolution in my head?
My brother Raul is doing a magnificent job of taking
Cuba forward to face the challenges of the 1970s. There
are, naturally, those backbiters and anklesnappers who
sneer and wobble, slightly out of focus. They adduce the
lesson of that great working class parable Only Fools
And Horses - which incidentally my fellow Cubans has
been going almost as long as I. They whisper with their
halitosis that The Plonker Raul is no worthy successor
to Fidelboy Trotter, icon of the oppressed peoples of
the world. I say piss in their drinks when they are not
looking. Unless it is one of those pisses I referred to
earlier, in which case you will almost certainly be
discovered.
Already Raul, with my blessing, has outlined important
plans to improve our glorious nation. We will make
Havana the premier smoking destination of the world,
with magnificent cigar-shaped buildings: Los Gherkinos.
We will compulsorily purchase Guantanamo Bay and turn it
into a big Butlins. We will find the biscuits.
There have been many critics over the last half century
but most of them are dead now. Also, say what you like
about the political prisoners and the shitty housing. We
have consistently got up America's arse for 50 years, so
let us have a bit of respect where respect is due, which
brings me on to my first point.
Fidel Castro
|
OFFICIAL
MESSAGE FROM THE DEMOCRATIC FORMER PRESIDENT OF CUBA FIDEL CASTRO, TO THE
DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE OF CUBA AND ANYONE ELSE DEMOCRATIC EXCEPT ALL ENEMIES OF CUBA,
WHO SHOULD DELETE THIS MESSAGE