Hi. My name's John. I'm your new 'Home Secretary'.

What does 'Home Secretary' mean? Well, imagine Britain as a kind of social club. You've applied to join because you want to make Britain your home. As secretary of this 'club' it's my job to look at your application - simply in order to check your credentials, nothing sinister!

Perhaps you were a member of a club, in your own home country. Darts, bridge, aerobics, politics - whatever 'turns you back', as they say! I know many Iraqis, particularly our Muslim friends, who just like to curl up with a good book. All my Somalian friends tell me clubs are very popular there.

Here in Britain, we believe in citizenship. Playing your part as a welcome guest. It's all about getting rid of fear of difference, fear of change. For who among us knows how long we will be here?

Citizenship brings responsibilities as well as rights, and it is important that you, as a prospective member of our club, understand and respect British culture and its customs and excise. See how you get on with this short quiz on Britain, which is just a bit of fun to check your credentials, as I say.

1. Who or what is 'The Yorkshire Pudding'?

Famous British prostitute murderer.
Three pints after the main course.
Bewitched, non-Halal food.

2. What should you do if assaulted by a footballer?

Report to Holby City Hospital with your E-111 form.
Blame the Conservatives.
Check the 'offside rule' - you can only be kicked if he's in front
      of the others.

3. According to Cockney tradition, 'The Pearly Queen' is...

Virginia Bottomley, MP for South West Surrey.
An elaborate card trick.
Unprotected sex with the landlord.

4. What is Britain's official top cultural achievement?
    (NB: don't say Shakespeare or the Lake District, they're anti-Semitic.)

British-Asian chicken tikka masala.
Hilarious British-Asian comedians, or shopkeepers.
Anything British-Asian and integrated.
 

5. Where is Wales?

Mostly in its own collective imagination.
Popped out, back in five minutes.
Early to mid-1980s.

6.  What does 'ethnic diversity' mean?

A sort of human rainbow created by the refractive dispersion of
      tolerance through specialness.
An advertising law requiring three white men in a pub or café always
      to have one black friend.
Taking the scenic route from Albania, turning left at the
      people-traffic lights and staying in France instead.

7.  Where should you never detonate yourself?

In a built-up multicultural area after 1426 in the Islamic calendar.
At a school Nativity play.
In a Virgin Pendolino Quiet Carriage.

8.  What is the Pennine Way?

Britain's Long Walk To Freedom, but with Janet Street-Porter instead
      of Nelson Mandela.
Police slang for the vertical stack of heroin-filled condoms in
      your intestines.
Blindfold the ewe first so she can't identify you.

9.  How is the Government planning to make the English countryside more hip-hop?

Drive-by hunting.
 Crack cottages.
Bitch farming.