What are Russia's intentions? Some political analysts say the invasion of Georgia was part of a Russian masterplan to reassert itself militarily on the world stage. MARTIAN FM takes a more mature view. We say Russia is just bored stiff. That it really misses the Cold War. And that now it's got a few bob, it just wants to wind everyone up like a cunt.

A summary of the week's events shows exactly how Russia is properly taking the fucking piss.

Saturday. Russia invades Estonia by five inches, then runs off giggling when someone finally calls the police.

Sunday. At a press conference, President Dimitry Medvedev announces 'NATO is gay. It has gay clothes. Its mother is gay. Of all NATO people, British people are gayest. It is no coincidence that "united kingdom" is homosexual slang for a big circle of gay men all fucking each other up the Volga. British comedy is weak and gay, and lacks the robust irony of Russian humour, which is virile and edgy. In my opinion, they should make that Gary Glitter president of Pakistan'.

Monday. Russia launches a cyber-attack on Belarus, squirting corrupt internet data from a big balloon halfway up the Mesosphere.

Tuesday. Russia and Georgia exchange prisoners. It's only when Georgia get theirs home and take the hoods off they realise they've been given members of Chechnya's separatist government instead.

Wednesday. In the morning, Russia decides to have a lie-in wearing just underpants. In the afternoon, it watches television, has a sandwich, then for a laugh alters Finland's Wikipedia entry so that under 'Culture' it now says 'Finnish people smell of fish...' In the evening it gets wankered on cheap vodka, picks a fight with Kazakhstan and is sick all over Mongolia.

Thursday. A sleeper cell of Russian oligarchs is activated in London. House prices at the top end of the market immediately rise by 6%. By lunchtime several English premiership clubs have been bought by Russian gangsters and given sissy names. The Evening Standard is put into a trance by a visiting Russian ballet company. Traces of polonium and opprobium are discovered in Boris Johnson.

Friday. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is filmed with his shirt off pointing at a batch of short-range SS-21 missiles with his nipples and cackling 'Ha ha, look at 'em! You could hang a fucking duffel coat on that!'