JR Hartley                                  Harry Potter

Can you wait to discover the plot of

Author JR Hartley and publishers Bunnylingus & Trollope have gone to great lengths to keep the storyline of the boy wizard's last adventure a closely-guarded secret. Elaborate precautions have included the printing of an entire decoy novel, a Jeremy Paxman interview with a ghostly facsimile of the author, and punitive legal action if anyone takes the piss.

Yet Hartley has teased her fans. Firstly, by being photographed topless on a beach by the Sunday Telegraph. Secondly, by using invisible ink to scribble a series of clues on a sheet of paper, then selling it for £28,000 at a charity auction.

MARTIAN FM has obtained this document and microwaved it to reveal tantalising glimpses of Harry's future as jotted down by the greatest children's writer since Jill Murphy, author of the Worst Witch books.

Simply select the correct options below. The winner will receive a genuine invisible Harry Potter Amulet Of Tears via owl through their chimney. We don't need your name or address, as it's magic. Good luck!

I hereby confirm I am JR Hartley and these are my clues about the last book:

Harry bit more grown up, giving himself erections all the time by 'waving his wand' and saying

"Winky Leviosa!" "Ascendum Coqo!" "Hermione Hormonii!"

 

Arch-enemy Lord Vordeman tries to kill Harry (as usual) only this time disguised as

tabloid journalist. grumbling postman with bag full of hardbacks. working class child.

 

Harry must unravel ancient secret of

The Basilisk of Umm Qasr. The Calamari of Shockanory. The Moral Certainties of 1950s Britain.

 

Ron Weasley has new catchphrase:

"Waaaaaagh!" "Uuuuuurgh!" "Bleeeeeegh!"

 

Harry develops crush on

Professor McGonagall as she was in the Macmillan era, with pointed breasts and hair under her arms. Iain Duncan Smith. a hypnotised Hermione Grainger dressed as slutty version of his dead mother.

 

Dumbledore prevents the dark forces of evil from entering the staff room by

producing winged beetles in his urine. introducing an Invasion of Privacy Bill. summoning old drinking partner Oliver Reed from the afterlife and winding him up.

 

PS I was in tears writing this book as I killed off

Hagrid, who admits downloading child pornography while researching his autobiography. Professor Snape, who gets eaten by a Shakespearian version of himself. my first husband, who planned to reveal the plot of my bedtime antics to the News of the World.