How racist are you now? Not racist at all. I'm not a fucking Austrian. Extremely racist but black, so ironic. Mixed Formula 1 racist like Lewis Hamilton.
How racist are you now?
Not racist at all. I'm not a fucking Austrian. Extremely racist but black, so ironic. Mixed Formula 1 racist like Lewis Hamilton.
How should we punish errant radio presenters? Wipe smug smile off face with strimmer. Prank in neck with garden fork. Arse-rape then tell their grandad.
How should we punish errant radio presenters?
Wipe smug smile off face with strimmer. Prank in neck with garden fork. Arse-rape then tell their grandad.
What's the economic outlook? Grim and sulky, with spasmodic brown mouth tunnels. Pretty fucking cool, fool. I'm looking at the future through my 'blingoculars'. Feral boy in sports pyjamas stationed outside the crackhouse.
What's the economic outlook?
Grim and sulky, with spasmodic brown mouth tunnels. Pretty fucking cool, fool. I'm looking at the future through my 'blingoculars'. Feral boy in sports pyjamas stationed outside the crackhouse.
How will we know if we're in a recession? Clothes smell funny. Time will slow down around us, creating news wormholes to the 1970s. The 'Bank of England' sign will say 'ank of gland' because some bumfiddling fucking herbert called Ben has nicked the letters and they can't be arsed to replace them.
How will we know if we're in a recession?
Clothes smell funny. Time will slow down around us, creating news wormholes to the 1970s. The 'Bank of England' sign will say 'ank of gland' because some bumfiddling fucking herbert called Ben has nicked the letters and they can't be arsed to replace them.
Are you worried about inflation? No. This year there's 6.4% more of me to love. Yes. I feel all bloated. I think it's that 'fat air' I read about in the Daily Express. No. I'm pumped up like a fucking paddling pool, full of morphine and on a respirator.
Are you worried about inflation?
No. This year there's 6.4% more of me to love. Yes. I feel all bloated. I think it's that 'fat air' I read about in the Daily Express. No. I'm pumped up like a fucking paddling pool, full of morphine and on a respirator.
How is your interest rate? OK, as long as there's a fucking joke in a minute. Low. I can't even be bothered to decide if this sentence is a joke or not. Zero for nine months after transfer from back of mind, then see if its funny.
How is your interest rate?
OK, as long as there's a fucking joke in a minute. Low. I can't even be bothered to decide if this sentence is a joke or not. Zero for nine months after transfer from back of mind, then see if its funny.
How should Gordon Brown tackle the economy? Chest-bump it to the ground, then fall on it. Massage it gently with tropical plant semen then when it dozes off fiddle with its 'downstairs'. Accidental ankle sweep during Tai Chi in the park. Apology. Coffee. Discovery of shared Asperger's. Spontaneous act of passion. One dies saving the other.
How should Gordon Brown tackle the economy?
Chest-bump it to the ground, then fall on it. Massage it gently with tropical plant semen then when it dozes off fiddle with its 'downstairs'. Accidental ankle sweep during Tai Chi in the park. Apology. Coffee. Discovery of shared Asperger's. Spontaneous act of passion. One dies saving the other.
What's the pound in your pocket worth? Just under a pound. If I toss it at this busker doing a Sting cover and he catches it down his fucking windpipe, worth every penny. It has a street value of about £2.3 million, fuck off I've nearly completed this bit, YOU'RE IN MY WAY YOU'RE IN MY FUCKING WAY GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY BRILLIANT LOOK SOMEONE'S BLOWN MY FUCKING LEGS OFF WITH A BAZOOKA HAPPY NOW?
What's the pound in your pocket worth?
Just under a pound. If I toss it at this busker doing a Sting cover and he catches it down his fucking windpipe, worth every penny. It has a street value of about £2.3 million, fuck off I've nearly completed this bit, YOU'RE IN MY WAY YOU'RE IN MY FUCKING WAY GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY BRILLIANT LOOK SOMEONE'S BLOWN MY FUCKING LEGS OFF WITH A BAZOOKA HAPPY NOW?
Why are the Conservatives ahead in public opinion polls? Promising better border controls. Tackling global warming. Encouraging corporate investment.
Why are the Conservatives ahead in public opinion polls?
Promising better border controls. Tackling global warming. Encouraging corporate investment.
Who will be mayor of London? Labour: Reptilian Stalinist with a congestion zone in his fucking sinuses. Conservative: 20-stone toddler with a Classics degree and his todger up the nanny. Liberal Democrat: Sulky copper known to 'turn a blind eye' in gay circles. Green: Nameless, inflatable fuck dummy with lots to say about Antarctica. It's a trick question. I live in The North and I couldn't give a cat's fanny who it is. It'll still cost us 20p to have a piss. And a fiver for a fucking sandwich.
Who will be mayor of London?
Labour: Reptilian Stalinist with a congestion zone in his fucking sinuses. Conservative: 20-stone toddler with a Classics degree and his todger up the nanny. Liberal Democrat: Sulky copper known to 'turn a blind eye' in gay circles. Green: Nameless, inflatable fuck dummy with lots to say about Antarctica. It's a trick question. I live in The North and I couldn't give a cat's fanny who it is. It'll still cost us 20p to have a piss. And a fiver for a fucking sandwich.
What's the most popular tattoo for women this month?
'Dozy fucking whore can't read Sanskrit' in Sanskrit across midriff. Nipples on both arsecheeks so they look like really big tits. Humorous 'trapped toilet paper' in cleavage so it looks like an arsecrack. It's a trick question. I'd rather put a stud in my clitoris and blog it on Bebo.
What's wrong with this picture? The poppy's registering shame and disgust. Mr. Blair's thoughts seem to be miles away. You can't hire it for an evening to hang in your dining room, giggling like a fucking demented Catholic ice skater. It's a trick question. The picture's upside down, I don't fucking know. Ask some nonce from the Tate to work it out then tell us. Maybe it's a ghosted self-portrait. Maybe it's been done by Banksy or some other sillybollocks and it's called Coalition Vera Duckworth or whatever the fuck.
What's wrong with this picture?
The poppy's registering shame and disgust. Mr. Blair's thoughts seem to be miles away. You can't hire it for an evening to hang in your dining room, giggling like a fucking demented Catholic ice skater. It's a trick question. The picture's upside down, I don't fucking know. Ask some nonce from the Tate to work it out then tell us. Maybe it's a ghosted self-portrait. Maybe it's been done by Banksy or some other sillybollocks and it's called Coalition Vera Duckworth or whatever the fuck.
The Telegraph asks 'Is Martian figure actually a Danish mermaid?' No, though she was recently arrested in Iceland. No. But she does drink, and smell, like a fish. Yes, but she's a fantasist. She should pull herself together. It's a trick question. None of this is real. Memo to Self: don't choose this option.
The Telegraph asks 'Is Martian figure actually a Danish mermaid?'
No, though she was recently arrested in Iceland. No. But she does drink, and smell, like a fish. Yes, but she's a fantasist. She should pull herself together. It's a trick question. None of this is real. Memo to Self: don't choose this option.
God's apparently sending us a message. What is it? 'I am the voice of one crying in the bleeding wilderness and I've got the errright hump'. 'Will you shut the fuck up for five minutes! I'm trying to watch the Middle East!' 'Soz abt evil :-( luv u LOADS xxx' It's a trick question. I'm supposed to say there is no God, and I'm supposed to be right, and I'm supposed to keep an open mind. Oh, and I'm probably supposed to give myself a little half-smile as well. You fucking chumps.
God's apparently sending us a message. What is it?
'I am the voice of one crying in the bleeding wilderness and I've got the errright hump'. 'Will you shut the fuck up for five minutes! I'm trying to watch the Middle East!' 'Soz abt evil :-( luv u LOADS xxx' It's a trick question. I'm supposed to say there is no God, and I'm supposed to be right, and I'm supposed to keep an open mind. Oh, and I'm probably supposed to give myself a little half-smile as well. You fucking chumps.
There are rumours in The North of a 'global credit crunch'. What the fuck's that? It's when you're behind on the payments and the loan shark crushes your bollocks. Confectionery for the morbidly obese. A drinking game popular with Londoners in their 30s. You have a toke, neck an entire bottle of Aftershock, do a line of ketamine, drink 330ml of your own purified urine, fill your lungs with helium, reverse-engineer a quart of flaming absinthe up your arse and shit off. It's a trick question. The North is quarantined from the global credit crunch as the trains are always fucked at the weekend.
Should we protect children from the news? Yes. It puts hateful ideas in their heads. I'm a parent, that's MY fucking job. Yes. That's precisely why I got Sky Sports Xtra. No. My Dad used to smack me across the face with the Telegraph and it never did me any harm except on Sundays.
Yes. It puts hateful ideas in their heads. I'm a parent, that's MY fucking job. Yes. That's precisely why I got Sky Sports Xtra. No. My Dad used to smack me across the face with the Telegraph and it never did me any harm except on Sundays.
Farm animals are a powerful social network with firm ideas on capital punishment. an organic community who deserve sexual freedom, humorous nicknames and their own BBC channel. kinetic protein. Feed them bits of each other and raw sewage for all I fucking care, get a move on, I'm fucking starving. Go easy on the vegetables instead.
Farm animals are
a powerful social network with firm ideas on capital punishment. an organic community who deserve sexual freedom, humorous nicknames and their own BBC channel. kinetic protein. Feed them bits of each other and raw sewage for all I fucking care, get a move on, I'm fucking starving. Go easy on the vegetables instead.
Why is there such widespread panic about paedophilia these days? Violin lessons producing more middle class 'kiddie fiddling' misunderstandings. Children more obese, so easily caught. Grooming increasingly important to men these days.
Violin lessons producing more middle class 'kiddie fiddling' misunderstandings. Children more obese, so easily caught. Grooming increasingly important to men these days.
Where now for David Cameron's Conservatives? Centre ground in Second Life, as tieless avatars on big fuck-off pimped bicycles. Fête to be determined in the sunlit floodplains of Middle England. Prepare to reduce their carbon footprint by about 40 fucking MPs at the next Election.
Centre ground in Second Life, as tieless avatars on big fuck-off pimped bicycles. Fête to be determined in the sunlit floodplains of Middle England. Prepare to reduce their carbon footprint by about 40 fucking MPs at the next Election.
Do we believe in God any more? Mm...but as some sort of technical help desk, where they keep you in a queue and then you can't be arsed any more. No. He didn't intervene to stop my shingles did he? I was perfectly willing to believe in Him up to that point including all the innocent deaths, cruelty etc but He's gone too far this time. Yeah, but I think God's really just, you know, like the kindness in all of us, the kindness of strangers. Though wait, actually, I live in London. So fuck that. And you. And Him. And me. No I fucking don't.
Mm...but as some sort of technical help desk, where they keep you in a queue and then you can't be arsed any more. No. He didn't intervene to stop my shingles did he? I was perfectly willing to believe in Him up to that point including all the innocent deaths, cruelty etc but He's gone too far this time. Yeah, but I think God's really just, you know, like the kindness in all of us, the kindness of strangers. Though wait, actually, I live in London. So fuck that. And you. And Him. And me. No I fucking don't.
Why's the NHS in crisis NOW? Nursing grievances. Underpaid junior doctors encouraging people to go 'ahh...' PFI shareholders' bonus means new maternity wards no longer free at point of delivery.
What can we do to stop the rise in gun crime? Appoint a Dad Czar. Put more armed police on the high street to return shoppers' fire. Transfer gun manufacturing to local authorities, so they're too expensive and don't fucking work properly.
Appoint a Dad Czar. Put more armed police on the high street to return shoppers' fire. Transfer gun manufacturing to local authorities, so they're too expensive and don't fucking work properly.
The UN International Court of Justice has cleared Serbia of translators. Muslim footballers. ethnic cleaners.
The UN International Court of Justice has cleared Serbia of
translators. Muslim footballers. ethnic cleaners.
Russell Brand upset people with a tasteless comment at the Brit Awards. What on earth did he say? Nelly Furtado mixes her menstrual blood with vodka and calls it a Bloody Nelly. Mental illness in childhood has left Killers frontman Brandon Flowers a four-fifths scale Mormon. Amy Winehouse's YouTube exposure extends all the way to her uterus.
Nelly Furtado mixes her menstrual blood with vodka and calls it a Bloody Nelly. Mental illness in childhood has left Killers frontman Brandon Flowers a four-fifths scale Mormon. Amy Winehouse's YouTube exposure extends all the way to her uterus.
How will Labour smooth the transition? Long handover. Big rollover. Large pullover.
Long handover. Big rollover. Large pullover.
What will be the most serious consequence of global warming for Britain by 2107? London's enormous fat arse now in the middle of France, ruining things for everyone. Scotland reduced to a melted stallion's head. The South West inhabited only by baked trolls running gift shops, still.
London's enormous fat arse now in the middle of France, ruining things for everyone. Scotland reduced to a melted stallion's head. The South West inhabited only by baked trolls running gift shops, still.
What should we do with Lord Archer? Strip him of his fucking peerage. Oh, and while we're at it, his fucking nerve casings. When Naseem Hamed was released from prison, they took back his MBE. Now this tossclump is out and he's on BBC2! As a fucking JUROR! Actually, let's strip BBC2 of ITS fucking 'peerage' by not watching it for a few months. Confirm him as support act for the eagerly-awaited Police world tour. Always remember him as the bullying liar who ruined the life of Monica Coghlan, the prostitute he denied having sex with. She died shortly before Archer was put on trial for perjury. At one of Archer's recent public appearances, someone shouted 'Monica!' and tipped a bucket of porridge over him. Let's hope THAT doesn't catch on. With maybe shit next time. Or paint stripper.
Who won the Turner Prize this year? Some bonghead in a pullover who's 'congruent with herself'. Some gurning cock inspector in bicycling shorts, on his fucking 'cycle of no redemption'. Who cares? All the art's been bought by a billionaire Russian gangster anyway. Oh, unless it hasn't. In which case the hoax is a brilliant art piece, challenging our perceptions of 'art', 'bought', 'billionaire', 'Russian' and 'confidence trickster'.
Some bonghead in a pullover who's 'congruent with herself'. Some gurning cock inspector in bicycling shorts, on his fucking 'cycle of no redemption'. Who cares? All the art's been bought by a billionaire Russian gangster anyway. Oh, unless it hasn't. In which case the hoax is a brilliant art piece, challenging our perceptions of 'art', 'bought', 'billionaire', 'Russian' and 'confidence trickster'.
Dr Who has just been voted the best thing on telly, ever. So come on you sad fucking nerd - what does TARDIS stand for? Totally Awesome Ratings-Defibrillating Income Stimulator. Tennant's Accessorised Roomy Dark Interplanetary Shagpad. What does it STAND for? It's a merchandising metaphor for multiculturalism and 'people power'. You dozy fucking cyst.
Totally Awesome Ratings-Defibrillating Income Stimulator. Tennant's Accessorised Roomy Dark Interplanetary Shagpad. What does it STAND for? It's a merchandising metaphor for multiculturalism and 'people power'. You dozy fucking cyst.
Now Michael Grade's memorised the entire contents of the BBC, what's his plan for ITV? Encourage shareholders to be more violent, and sexually explicit. Programmes will be gayer, compulsorily interactive, lighter on their feet and have 'identity hats'. Revive popular television by commissioning Fat Swap, Fuck Your Mother and Celebrity Pet Quiz.
Encourage shareholders to be more violent, and sexually explicit. Programmes will be gayer, compulsorily interactive, lighter on their feet and have 'identity hats'. Revive popular television by commissioning Fat Swap, Fuck Your Mother and Celebrity Pet Quiz.
Politicians are much more exciting these days, aren't they? Yes. A rush to the centre ground has created a centrifugal force, flinging all the fat ones into non-executive directorships. No. TV's just moving them round faster and putting more swearing in. Yes. Let's hope none of them breaks their fucking neck coming off a quad bike.
Yes. A rush to the centre ground has created a centrifugal force, flinging all the fat ones into non-executive directorships. No. TV's just moving them round faster and putting more swearing in. Yes. Let's hope none of them breaks their fucking neck coming off a quad bike.
Scientists think they've found water on Mars. Does this mean there's life there? Yes, but it doesn't get out much. There is no life on Mars, you idiot. It's just a big freezing desert with an acoustic Blur track playing silently to itself in the mangled wreckage of Britpop 2. Not yet inhabited, but lunatic Zionists will have somewhere else to colonise now the West Bank's full. Maybe NASA could 'find' some Old Testament relics and encourage the top end of Saudi Fucking Arabia to piss off there too.
Scientists think they've found water on Mars. Does this mean there's life there?
Yes, but it doesn't get out much. There is no life on Mars, you idiot. It's just a big freezing desert with an acoustic Blur track playing silently to itself in the mangled wreckage of Britpop 2. Not yet inhabited, but lunatic Zionists will have somewhere else to colonise now the West Bank's full. Maybe NASA could 'find' some Old Testament relics and encourage the top end of Saudi Fucking Arabia to piss off there too.
You see, what we've done here... Shut the fuck up. It's bollocks. It would only be funny if you had Pete Docherty's stupid soup-bowl face on the other end of that note. With all like snot and blood coming out of his nose. You want to smarten your fucking ideas up. I don't wish to criticise, but it looks less like cocaine and more like Martian rivulets. Is this like some kind of blog or something, where you leave feedback and comments? Because I have many, many observations to make and absolutely fuck-all else to do. I'm single, 27, male and into the small hours.
You see, what we've done here...
Shut the fuck up. It's bollocks. It would only be funny if you had Pete Docherty's stupid soup-bowl face on the other end of that note. With all like snot and blood coming out of his nose. You want to smarten your fucking ideas up. I don't wish to criticise, but it looks less like cocaine and more like Martian rivulets. Is this like some kind of blog or something, where you leave feedback and comments? Because I have many, many observations to make and absolutely fuck-all else to do. I'm single, 27, male and into the small hours.
Why should we bring Our Boys back from Afghanistan? Hopelessly outnumbered/exhausted/inadequate equipment/could cause offence to the Muslim community. Rising levels of unmolested students in our city centres. They've all got their kitbags and vehicles stuffed with top quality drugs and they're definitely not coming through Customs.
Why should we bring Our Boys back from Afghanistan?
Hopelessly outnumbered/exhausted/inadequate equipment/could cause offence to the Muslim community. Rising levels of unmolested students in our city centres. They've all got their kitbags and vehicles stuffed with top quality drugs and they're definitely not coming through Customs.
What new NHS reforms are on the way? Waiting lists to be reviewed every five days, so nobody's ever waiting longer than five days. Less patience with poor English. Smokers, drinkers and fat people swapped with thin Roman Catholics from Poland.
What new NHS reforms are on the way?
Waiting lists to be reviewed every five days, so nobody's ever waiting longer than five days. Less patience with poor English. Smokers, drinkers and fat people swapped with thin Roman Catholics from Poland.
The average citizen has a one in four chance of bumping into someone of different ethnic origin in the street 'says a new official measure of diversity'. Really? Yes. Too many ill-fitting veils. Yes. Obese Britons 14% bumpier since 1997. No, rubbish. I am a London cabbie. Since Ken Fucking Livingstone brought in this fucking congestion charge I personally have bumped into 14 pedestrians. At least 12 of them couldn't understand the fucking English I was shouting and the other two looked ambiguous from the moment they stepped off the fucking kerb.
The average citizen has a one in four chance of bumping into someone of different ethnic origin in the street 'says a new official measure of diversity'. Really?
Yes. Too many ill-fitting veils. Yes. Obese Britons 14% bumpier since 1997. No, rubbish. I am a London cabbie. Since Ken Fucking Livingstone brought in this fucking congestion charge I personally have bumped into 14 pedestrians. At least 12 of them couldn't understand the fucking English I was shouting and the other two looked ambiguous from the moment they stepped off the fucking kerb.
How 'media-savvy' are you these days? Oh, I'm way ahead of you. This is about blogging or something... Quite 'media-savvy'. I think I know when I'm being manipulated... Not 'media-savvy' at all. I hope the next photograph's got some minge in it...
How 'media-savvy' are you these days?
Oh, I'm way ahead of you. This is about blogging or something... Quite 'media-savvy'. I think I know when I'm being manipulated... Not 'media-savvy' at all. I hope the next photograph's got some minge in it...
The Human Trafficking Centre has opened in Sheffield. Why? Firearms training for lollipop ladies. To persuade strolling groups of 'yummy mummies' pushing little fascist shits called Kizzy and Kaka who are bleating their fat, slathered faces off in Observer-recommended superbuggies to let other people use the fucking pavement occasionally. Child whores cheaper in Sheffield.
The Human Trafficking Centre has opened in Sheffield. Why?
Firearms training for lollipop ladies. To persuade strolling groups of 'yummy mummies' pushing little fascist shits called Kizzy and Kaka who are bleating their fat, slathered faces off in Observer-recommended superbuggies to let other people use the fucking pavement occasionally. Child whores cheaper in Sheffield.
What crazy stunt is Top Gear planning NOW?
Stuff Jeremy Clarkson in a Robin Reliant, fill it with venomous snakes and drop it into a blazing caravan containing an overflowing chemical toilet rigged with explosives. Stuff Jeremy Clarkson in a peach-coloured Renault Clio with a Katie Melua CD on at full volume, wind the windows down, fill it with animal intestines and launch it from an aircraft carrier to see if it can overshoot a thrashing whirlpool of cunt-eating sharks. I don't care, as long as it involves Jeremy Clarkson getting fucked over on my telly.
A TRAFFIC CONE on top of the Gherkin? Brilliant! But, hey - what are those madcap Cockney fuckers up to NOW? It's Banksy. Again. Abseiling Rag Week. Ken Livingstone's lucrative new icon congestion charge.
A TRAFFIC CONE on top of the Gherkin? Brilliant! But, hey - what are those madcap Cockney fuckers up to NOW?
It's Banksy. Again. Abseiling Rag Week. Ken Livingstone's lucrative new icon congestion charge.
Can you remember how TV naturalist Steve Irwin was killed, you fish-brained fuck? Partially eaten by shoal of razor-toothed molluscs. Throttled by Australia's Public Anemone Number One. Buggered to death by admirer in a celebrity jellyfish suit.
Can you remember how TV naturalist Steve Irwin was killed, you fish-brained fuck?
Partially eaten by shoal of razor-toothed molluscs. Throttled by Australia's Public Anemone Number One. Buggered to death by admirer in a celebrity jellyfish suit.
How 'Muslim' are you? Sympathetically Muslim. I love the fabrics. Relatively Muslim, though I'd hate to be provocative. Proper Muslim. That bloke who said our religion was evil and shitty has been dead for several hundred years, which is nowhere near long enough, praise be unto Him whose warlike pyjamas are steeped in the clotted blood of the unbelievers.
How 'Muslim' are you?
Sympathetically Muslim. I love the fabrics. Relatively Muslim, though I'd hate to be provocative. Proper Muslim. That bloke who said our religion was evil and shitty has been dead for several hundred years, which is nowhere near long enough, praise be unto Him whose warlike pyjamas are steeped in the clotted blood of the unbelievers.
Why do posh people keep taking their clothes off for calendars? Appeals to flailing, charitable side. Kindling local notoriety. Guaranteed appearance in Daily Telegraph, provided no tattooes.
Why do posh people keep taking their clothes off for calendars?
Appeals to flailing, charitable side. Kindling local notoriety. Guaranteed appearance in Daily Telegraph, provided no tattooes.
What's wrong with China? A nation of compulsive gamblers that "simply has Tibet"! Can't make up their fucking minds whether they're Asian or the other thing, I don't know, don't ask me, I'm not Asian. They make all the clothes you're bursting out of. Shifty looking midgets, no offence.
What's wrong with China?
A nation of compulsive gamblers that "simply has Tibet"! Can't make up their fucking minds whether they're Asian or the other thing, I don't know, don't ask me, I'm not Asian. They make all the clothes you're bursting out of. Shifty looking midgets, no offence.
Why is elderly care in crisis?
Residential homes so overcrowded, by the time the last cunt's sedated the first one's waking up again. Everyone convinced they live in Emmerdale, which is going through a bit of a dark period at the moment. Too many incontinental breakfasts.
