1. If Israel can take the piss so can MARTIAN FM.
2. We call for satirical sanctions against Israel to begin
immediately with its expulsion from the Eurovison Song Contest which
is trivial and irrelevant and has a TV audience of 100 million. We
believe this would be MUCH more of a wind-up than some UN rapporteur
droning on and on for minutes on end with his fucking eyes shut. OR
bloody freezing rallies in the North of England. What don't we want?
Some dickhead spittle-flecked stubblefuck trying to jabber TOO MANY
FUCKING SYLLABLES into a poorly-rhymed crowd chant! When don't we
want it? ASAFP!
2. Yeah, and the UK should be expelled because we sat there watching
all the Gaza shit on the telly doing fuck-all about it, even though
we're supposed to be Israel's 'friend'. Right, remind us not to
spill our friend Israel's pint if we ever go out on the piss. NB if
we got the UK banned from Eurovision, Andrew Lloyd Webber would be
furious. He might BURST which would be fucking great.
4. We hate the hateful way Israel tells everyone how much everyone
hates them in order to justify their hateful actions. Hate cannot
excuse hate. But love may excuse love, which is what Graham Norton
etc is really all about. So let HIM spend some quality time with
Netanyahu in the green room, swapping anecdotes and putting him at
ease.
5. Of all Israel's exports, its pop music is the easiest satirically
to boycott as nobody gives a fumbling toss whether we hear it or
not. Zionist ballads about a cactus blooming in the desert? Sung by
some bleating fucker who sounds like he's just given up smoking? Or
not?
6. Oh, and don't say we're not being satirically even-handed. We
can't call for Palestine to be expelled from Eurovision.
Palestinians aren't allowed to take part in Eurovision. Even though
they live right next to Israel. Which let's face it is actually in
the Middle East. Not fucking Europe.
7. In the interests of balance and fairness it's lucky Palestine's
not in Eurovision to be honest. Their pop music's shit too. And
their 'mic technique' has a long way to go before they reach
Eurovision standard. Memo to Hamas: you may get great feedback and
distortion out of your megaphones but this is EUROVISION. Not
Reading Festival.
8. Exactly one half of the duo representing Israel in this year's
Eurovision is an Arab Israeli. So if we DID expel Israel it would be
a completely balanced and proportionate response in the context of
Arab-Israeli pop music, geo-politics and for all we know Tony
Blair's fucking iPod Twittershuffle.
9. Israel's just had a general election. That's quite enough fucking
voting for one year thanks very much, you cloth-eared Israelis.
10. Nobody wants World War Two back, despite evidence to the
contrary in the Mail on Sunday's free DVD. We should definitely
never again encourage Israel to seal in a civilian population like
fucking cattle and then bomb them. Not only is that a war crime, it
is AGAINST THE SPIRIT PF EUROVISION. This allows televoters to
allocate points based on their nation's political relationship with
other nations instead, in a moral vacuum. And a moral vacuum is no
place for heavy artillery, you thick fucks.
