AT HOME

- Wake up.

- Check pyjamas for evidence of 'dirty bomb'.

- Have your mobile phone with you at all times. Please note there will be no signal, as the police and other security forces will commandeer all available 'telephone air'. Your mobile may, however, be useful as a paperweight for lists (see below).

- Assemble a list of useful phone numbers e.g doctor, close relatives, Blockbuster, Richard and Judy's You Say We Pay, Big Brother eviction line, ringtone provider. Keep the list safe, and secured with a paperweight.

- Gather toiletries, sanitary supplies and regularly prescribed medication. These are likely to be found in the bathroom and should be transferred to a bin bag labelled 'T,SS,RPM'. Keep them somewhere sensible, e.g bathroom.

- Check that you have a torch with spare batteries, candles and matches and a radio with spare batteries, as it's a bit late to 'pop out to the shops' now.

- Tune into the local radio for advice, updates, hits from the 80s and 90s, and an interview with the drummer from Mud, who has run a golf supplies shop in your area for the last 16 years.

- Find the first aid kit you were supposed to buy. If it exists, put it in the bin bag in the bathroom and amend the label to read 'T,SS,RPM,FAK'.

- If there is a major power cut, make your own entertainment e.g whistling, human beat box, masturbation.

 

 

- If a bomb goes off at your place of work look for the safest way out and take the rest of the day off.

- If a bomb goes off outside the building, stay inside away from lifts, windows and outer doors in case there is a second bomb in the area and it's not inside your building. Use any spare time to update your virus definitions. If the internet is unavailable, keep morale high with David Brent impressions.

- If you are trapped in debris stay close to a wall and tap on pipes so that rescuers can hear you. Please note tapping will be monophonic. Suggested tapping patterns: Dry Your Eyes by The Streets, Ch-Check It Out by The Beastie Boys.

 

 

- If dying, reflect on time spent 'being hard' rather than taking advantage of the Government's improved educational system, and on the revised definition of 'classroom disruption'.

 

 

- If dying while 'bunking off', let this be a lesson to you.