Firstly, a big thank you to all of you who have been involved in our previous online campaigns. Together, we have MADE A REAL DIFFERENCE. Together, we are DEMOCRATICALLY IDENTICAL. Together, WE CAN EDIT THE WORLD AS EASILY AS A WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

Remember when we warned that there were “JUST NINE DAYS LEFT TO SAVE THE OCEANS!” That was MONTHS ago. Have the oceans become extinct? No. Of course they fucking haven’t. Because together we saved them. Remember THAT the next time some sanctimonious shit-balloon is moaning about your modest donation to our campaign fund.

Of course, not every campaign attracts universal support. We understand that. You may have originally signed one of our online petitions because you were interested in a particular issue. Perhaps you were one of the thousands who helped stop a war in the Middle East, or saved the NHS from privatisation. And now maybe you’re just not that interested in badgers or non-sustainable hardwood or some councillor in Pembrokeshire who’s made an offensive remark about the mayor’s tits.

Perhaps this is why you have recently unsubscribed from our email alerts. Don’t worry, we’re not taking it personally. As we said when you signed up for the newsletter, we won’t share any of your personal details with anyone else. That would be unethical. Someone else might start a campaign against us. That would be unthinkable.

We’re sorry you left us. We want you to rejoin our online community of activists, who are just like you. That’s why we’re opening up the whole process of orchestrated outrage to you, the potentially outraged. Simply select your probable activist position on the various issues below, then vote. We’ll crunch the data. Then funnel all the crowdsourced rage into niche campaigns. Then BOTHER THE JUNK MAILBOXES OF DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENTS ALL OVER THE FUCKING WORLD WITH PETITIONS!

The MARTIAN FM COMPOSITE GLOBAL ACTIVISM CAMPAIGN PETITION will take democratic protest into a new era. An era not just of co-outrage but of pre-outrage. An era of choice, enabing activists like YOU to store ‘outrage credit’ in the ‘anger bank’! Spend it whenever you want, on whatever you don’t like!

Let’s GO!

	WE DEMAND that all wars be immediately PAUSED, allowing the governments of the world to
	trade enmity on some kind of umbrage futures market.
	go to the toilet.
	turn ‘slaughter’ into ‘laughter’ :)

	WE DEMAND that the world’s media STOP
	doing that fucking bom-biddy-bom-biddy-bom thing even when it’s just a clip of some cunt walking into a building.
	asking Twitter to apologise and calling it news.
	appropriating cynicism from ordinary people in violation of international law.

	WE DEMAND that the UN ACTS NOW on GLOBAL WEATHER POVERTY by
	imposing a blue sky tax on Africa.
	sending emergency ‘wind parcels’ to areas of severe atmospheric stillness.
	Making rainfall fairer.

	WE DEMAND that all the endangered species in the world be given
	human rights, political self-determination, little hats with their names on and complimentary fucking biscuits.
	danger vouchers.
	appropriate voices eg tigers quite posh, whales a bit slow and from the Midlands.

	WE DEMAND that Julian Assange and George Galloway be
	roughly extradited against their will, then extradited again while asleep in their pyjamas.
	applauded for their bravery in exposing the hypocrisy of their friends.
	merged by science to create a single, macabre ‘flesh-crab’.

	WE DEMAND that Pussy Riot
	do at least one decent fucking tune, with or without balaclavas.
	win the Russian Elections so they can make Putin perform Holy Communion ‘Gangnam Style’ through Red Square in just his pants.
	let us know if they’re all still in prison, we’ve lost track a bit, the whole thing was like a hundred petitions ago.