TOP 10 ANIMAL REVELATIONS!

All cows automatically point North, forming a global network of massive burping beef-sextants. Smelling of shit. With swollen, milk-spurting udders like warm dangling foetid GPS nodes. And wet tails accurately predicting weather patterns/if they've had a shit lately.

All dogs have a moral compass. It's the bit pointing up when the dirty fuckers roll over.

Plankton always drift anti-clockwise, and form giant funny faces when no aeroplanes are passing over.

An orang-utang in a trilby can convince Big Brother housemates it's a personal fitness trainer from Croydon.

In mental arithmetic tests, donkeys are quicker than Carol Fucking Vorderman, especially on shingle.

At this year's Liberal Democrats' conference, the keynote address on work and pensions was given by a dolphin.

Hamsters can predict fluctuations in the stock market by jumping into their food bowls and then pissing all over the cage.

Generations of jellyfish have learned to slow their metabolisms to the point where they're all still living in the 18th Century.

If you play Shania Twain's Greatest Hits loudly enough, wasps will come to your window and line-dance.

Cats have found a cure for age-related macular degeneration but they're too fucking selfish and spiteful to submit it to the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence. Fucking cats.