TOP 10 MADONNA CONTRACT RIDERS!

Dressing room air to be shipped in from Finland and mentholated.

Selection of sandwiches with the crusts cut off, then re-edged with saffron cross-stitching.

33 miniature green olives from the village of Bivona in Sicily, 'none larger than a rabbit's pellet', set in a Jacobean solitaire board.

Roasted ox wearing a trilby.

Foot spa/face iron.

Anti-gravity yoga booth.

Kabbala ambulance on standby.

Balloon version of Guy Ritchie slowly deflating in the corner.

Elderly fan in a wheelchair, parked in a corridor screaming the lyrics to every Madonna song, ever.

Chuckling clowns on miniature ponies at aftershow.