TOP TEN SOLUTIONS TO OVERCROWDED BRITAIN!

All square kilometres to be elasticated from Middlesbrough downwards.

Immigration quotas based on Body Mass Index.

Sixteen replica Isles of Wight to be constructed on pontoons along the South Coast, each with its own inflatable local authority.

Contingency plan to be drawn up for a partially-inhabited M25.

Special 'sideways walking' lanes to be introduced on pavements to reduce congestion.

Spare people stored overnight in underground sumps.

A Pinter's Charter encouraging sinister strangers to become lodgers or live-in caretakers.

Privatise euthanasia.

Free i-Tunes vouchers for commuters travelling to work in motorcycle pyramids.

If the worst comes to the worst come and live in The North, you simpering fucking shower of neurotic wankers.