MARTIAN FM's Building A Better You


Part 1: Strategies for Wellbeing

•Imagine the world and everything in it as knitted. You alone in the universe are not knitted. You are carved from exquisite sandstone, with no lovehandles.

•Run yourself a lovely warm bath, then lie on the bathroom floor until it's gone cold. Repeat as necessary.

•Visualise a calm and restful place. Picture yourself there, humming tunes from Billy Elliot The Musical.

•First thing in the morning, look in the mirror, wink at yourself and say "Hey, you tousled genius. See you on the toilet..."

•At work, sit up straight in your chair, close your eyes, clench your thigh muscles for 5 seconds then exhale making a whistling sound every time you're asked a question.

•Really pamper yourself tonight by putting on a giant nappy.

•Take a day off and spend it on public transport. Wear a plastic hat. Every now and then, stand up and shout "I am well! I will succeed! I am invincible! I'm getting off at your stop!"

•Think of the bad things in your life as angry wasps going in and out of your mind, or nest. Stand well back and spray the nest. It will disrupt the neurological pathways of the wasps, or bad things, and you'll be left with an empty mind.

•Keep your spirits up by pretending to learn to play an imaginary harmonica.

•When depression creeps in, be there waiting for it with a pump-action shotgun.

•Believe in yourself, and invite members of your social network to become worshippers.

•Experience success and feel happier, younger and sexier by checking your emails.

•Appreciate the real you by murdering someone fatter, then wearing their outer body as a flesh suit, and seeing people recoil in horror.

•Reoxygenate your self-esteem by punching little ventilation holes in your subconscious.

•Walk taller and feel stronger by lurching around on mini-stilts and pushing balloons up your jumper.